Fourth in our series of Vogon Poems written for our Towel Day 2025 competition. Our judges comment was “I was done by the end of the title. But then, oh no, there was more!”

An arduous ode to the difficulty of finding comfortable clothes to engender confidence in romance

or

How I learned to stop worrying and love the bum.

Calibrate my sartorial prowess,
Oh quisling thee,
Paltry poultry is my poetry
Pretentious pottery,
In love’s cruel lottery.

Oh muse, I have a nice house in a mews
But it’s you I choose to amuse
For mews of delight,
Your purrs of pleasurely poetic ‘preciation.

As I over-alliterate,
I have something bitter ate,
The fruit of thy rejection
Thy heart’s insurrection
‘Gainst my imperfection
It kills my um, passion

With such misdirection
It calls for inspection
Of thy love’s confection
So wait just a sec, son
And give us a chance?

Elsewise I’m unwise and despite
My own thighs and their size
Causing sighs after tries after tries
After tries to get these damn trousers on.

And so it’s goodbyes
My ass size causes mass sighs
And thus dies
My assize
Of the precious gold of fashion

And my passion
Comes crashin’
Down amongst the ruins
Of my hopes
Love’s for dopes.
On the ropes
Scented soaps
Are quite nice actually, but not so relevant here.

Third in our series of fan made Vogon Poems for Towel Day 2025. Word from our judges is they appreciate this was even shorter than the second (can this trend continue?)

Flarnbog Ruminations

Upon the sludge-plumped Earth of grumble-thoughts,
Where Hagra biscuits crunch in spleenful glee,
The flarnbog’s mood, like Thursdays, means a lot—
It blarniflates in vexful jubilee.
Oh, squelch me not with drangle-beasts, I plea!

The second vogon poem from our Towel Day 2025 competition. The judges comment was “shorter than the first!”.

On driving northward on the M6 motorway between Walsall and Preston

Do you need a radiator in your bathroom?

No, really. Do you need a new radiator or any other appliances in your bathroom?

If you are driving northward on the M6 motorway between Walsall and Preston

There is a company desperately trying to sell you one

And also other unspecified plumbing products

With their endless advertising placards in farmers’ fields offering next day delivery

But I don’t think I need a radiator in my bathroom

Although the mixer tap on my bath has turned crap

But that’s really a job for B&Q or Screwfix or even the cheapskates’ parade at your local council-run recycling centre

You never know you might get lucky but you’ll probably end up leaving with a rowing machine that doesn’t quite work properly, oh well

And on the subject of bathrooms, there go Sandbach services and I should have stopped because I need the toilet.

The first vogon poem from our Towel Day 2025 competition. The judges comment was “the best part was how, after having read it, I never had to read it again”.

Ode To The Lump I call My Brain

There is no forecasting the future
Alpha beta gamma delta are keep gonna coming at ya
Omigod Omicron this thing will never end
To live with it you gotta make your routines bend
Meanwhile earth keeps on getting hotter
Worldwide supply of peace getting shorter

Like the fuse on the bombs of angry mobs
Drowning out people’s distraught sobs
Violence is creating lots of jobs
Just not the ones for which peaceful humanity lobs

Vested interests sucking up people in their nets
Hedging millions to make billions in bets
What’s human life worth when they got jets
On their money backed empire the sun never sets

Here I am creating poetry out of neat & clean words
Dropping cracking pop culture & flipping some birds
The time to rhyme has never been better than now
My hunger to rise higher is gonna make you go wow

There is no reason for me to want to escape
The life of a superhero is spent in a cape
I am the Harry Potter getting Peeved at Severus Snape
Oh yeah my rhymes are heavy that’s why you will feel the need – the need to rewind this tape

Fantasy and fiction combine well to guide my wandering mind
Film and movies are a mine of info when I find the world unkind
Far-thinking TV with high concept breaks me out of the working grind
Gaming is an awesomax escape that ironically puts my eyes in a bind

Masks – just the prep for the impending apocalypse
Keep your nose where it belongs and seal up your lips
Get used to the new normal before we cash in our chips
Let’s get to neo normal in which we will cruise in spaceships

A generation crippled by computers
Workforce nation trampled by commuters

2025 Towel Day Contests

In partnership with Curious King Publishers, ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha (the Official Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Appreciation Society) invites you to participate in two upcoming contests.

The first is our 2025 Towel Day Vogon Poetry Contest and subsequently the The Great Guide Entry Giveaway, with all prizes courtesy of Curious King – publisher of Fine Press editions of Sci-Fi, Fantasy and contemporary fiction, including an upcoming edition of Hitchhikers!

Vogon Poetry Contest

Whether you channel your own inner Vogon or hitch a ride with one and plagiarize his balladry, enter a rhythmical composition for your chance to win one of five (5), one-year (1) memberships to ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha

ZZ9 members are the hoopiest froods in the galaxy. They receive our quarterly publication, Mostly Harmless, get invitations to slouches on at least two continents, and have the right to sling bragging rights around the known universe about being a being enlightened enough to support a 42-plus-year-old organization.

The competition is completely open and free to enter but submissions must be in English and formatted as text for the reading pleasure of ape-descendent lifeforms. To enter, please review the full Terms & Conditions and submit your poem of 1000 words or less to publicity@zz9.org.

Each being is allowed one entry with the competition running from 12:01am UTC on the 1st May 2025 and closing at 11:59pm UTC on the 24th May 2025, winners will be announced on Towel Day (25th May 2025)

We can’t wait to strap into our poetry appreciation chairs and experience your Vogonity, so get creating (if that’s what you want to call it) and prepare to submit your poem!

The Great Guide Entry Giveaway!

After the five new members have been announced, we will begin our second competition, open to ZZ9 members only: The Great Guide Entry Giveaway! One talented ZZ9 member will win a Champagne Edition of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy courtesy of Curious King.

As ultra-fans of The Hitchhiker’s Guide, we know what goes into a great Guide Entry. This is your chance to show us that you know what we know, by submitting a guide entry that no editor would dare shorten, condense, abridge or redact!

In 1000 words or less, guide us with everything we need to know about any person, place, or thing in a universe (ours or any nearby space time continuum). Entries must have an English text component but can also be enhanced with audio or video (host those on a platform of your choosing and send us the link).

Share your entry far and near so other froods can gain from your wisdom!