Questionable Guidance

Earlier this year we ran our Great Guide Giveaway, and collected Guide entries. Those have been individually posted here already, but now they’re available in a splendid and worthwhile PDF!

Download, read, share (and enjoy!): Questionable Guidance

In this Great Guide Entry, field researcher Blue Canary presents a million (or at least four) uses of the indispensable Cardboard Box.

Cardboard Box

Next to a towel, a cardboard box is the second-most useful thing in the universe.

The people of Earth (hyperlink removed due to planet destruction) were the most oblivious, moronic and possibly most obnoxious race in the galaxy (pending clarification from the Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster’s Book of Multiverse Records) but they did recognise the value of the cardboard box.

Boxes were originally presumed by most races to be receptacles for the containment and potential shipping of items. However, on Earth, specifically in Britain (see also: United Kingdom, Great Britain, the 51st State) it was quickly understood that they had a far greater purpose.

The cardboard box can be used as:

• A vehicle
• A fort
• A helmet
• A punishment cell
• A cunning disguise in the event of alien contact;
• Cheap housing for small furry creatures
• And even makeshift electrical items, such as
  televisions and radios

(All pictures removed due to concerns that, in the event of a copy of the Guide falling through a wormhole in space and appearing on a previous or future Earth, semi-intelligent beings may be confused to distraction or, worse still, attempt litigation due to copyright infringement.)

It has been suggested that, unfortunately, intelligent Earth beings (see also: mice, dolphins, some humans) never managed to harness the full potential of the cardboard box, which led to their ultimate destruction to make way for something infinitely more useful. Speculation has arisen that if cardboard boxes had identified themselves as interstellar travellers from Sqornshellous Delta and had formed a symbiotic relationship with the planet’s inhabitants, not only would Earth still exist but the interdimensional abilities of boxes could have led to many Earth beings leading much more groovy lives (particularly the mice, less so the dolphins – cardboard boxes lose structural integrity in water and would have posed a possible extinction threat).

Fortunately the cardboard box continues to thrive on its home planet and, due to its magnanimous nature, frequently arrives unbidden on planets across the known universe, often carrying gifts of toys or home goods, and immediately makes itself useful for the greater good of all in its vicinity.

Further reading on cardboard boxes:

• ‘Our Life as Stunt-boxes’ – the stunning true-life account of a family of boxes who appeared in countless cop shows being crashed into by getaway vehicles
• ‘Rip It Up and Start Again’ – a self-help journal for broken boxes
• ‘And They’re All Made Out of Ticky-Tacky’ – the controversial creation story of the cardboard box (banned across the known universe for subversive ideas).

–Blue Canary

Improbably as it may seem, another Guide Entry wings your way from our Great Guide Entry Giveaway. This time, a non-cricket sporting team pops up:

Manchester United

Manchester United are one of those football clubs with a long and varied history, much of it quite illustrious and glittering with silverware. My fascination (which may as well be the word from which ‘fan’, the short form used to describe fanatical followers, not just of football clubs but also of individual célébrité, was distilled), dear readers, began in 1997. I was immediately drawn to their red and white home kit colors, the same as my School’s Colors. Incidentally, we [the Lawrence School, Sanawar, which deserves its own A Life Afloat Volume 2 chapter – but more on that later] celebrated our sesquicentenary that year. David Beckham’s graceful play saw him get graced with the great number 7 shirt, worn previously by Eric Cantona and George Best. Then came that historic 1999 Champions League win over Bayern Munich, and my heart was set on being a Red Devil for life. And now in 2025, 28 years have passed. But rewind a bit, and…

Cut to 23 years later. As annus horribilis, 2020, the Horrendo[vir]us Year of the Crown, wound down, 2021, the Year of Hope, Year 1 of After Covid Era, dawned bright and new. In the case of Manchester United, both phases of our earth completing another spiral around our sun went well, despite being eliminated from the Champions League and hence erasing all hopes of a treble three-peat. For those of my esteemed readers unfamiliar with footballing terminology, a treble in (European) football is when a team wins both domestic titles (the top-flight league and the knockout competition) in addition to the Champions League of Europe.

History repeated itself in 2022 as Man U were sent packing at Old Trafford, the Theater of Dreams, by Atletico Madrid, despite the return of the talisman, Cristiano Ronaldo, the inheritor of the coveted Number 7 shirt, who could not do much by way of rescuing the Red Devils’ annus horribilis. Unfortunately, the slide tackles were only going to go even further downhill on desperation lane.

Statistics about their victories in competitions both domestic and international fail to capture how this team captured its fan following, yours truly included, in the second half of the 20th century. A 1958 airplane disaster in Munich gave new meaning to ‘rising like a phoenix from the ashes’ under Sir Matt Busby, culminating in top-notch performance over the next decades. The 1990s saw a new money-making scheme result in a top-flight Premier League, which new manager Sir Alex Ferguson’s Fledglings dominated. By the end of his era after more than a quarter of a century in charge of the team, SAF had stamped his authority on all, including kicking a boot at Beckham’s head!

After Sir Alex, things were never the same. Red Devils fans throughout our mostly harmless planet keep on hoping that the next manager will bring back the glory days…or the next, coming to the present manager at the time of writing, Ruben Amorim, who may get more time than his predecessors to build a legacy worthy of succeeding Sir Alex’s.

Only time will tell, as is the case with all things. Sports, like life, are utterly unpredictable. Happy hitchhiking! Visit Old Trafford if you happen to go that way, footballer froods!

–Aradhye Ackshatt

From the swirling maelstrom of entries to our Great Guide Entry giveaway, comes a surprisingly real entry on Norwich!

Norwich

A village which is under the delusion that it’s a city. Situated in the middle of a marsh filled county on the eastern side of England.

Norwich has enough pubs to keep even the most dedicated of beer drinkers happy.

People here still seem to think that we live in feudal times. May be likely to hold a rebellion against either the church or the landed gentry. They have done this before. The scorch marks are still visible on the arch leading to the cathedral.

Elm Hill has neither elm trees nor signs of a hill.

Monks can still be heard chanting in the Blackfriars Hall. This has been confirmed by early morning cleaners. It is very difficult to get rid of monks.

The Norman Castle has dungeons which are no longer in use but you can go down into them. Just make sure the guide lets you out again.

Norwich lead the way in non conforming dead people. England’s first non conformist cemetery is open to the public. Recommended for Goth types.

Best coffee house; 68k.Coffee for computer geeks who understand the joke.

Shops here still sell vinyl records. No one is really sure why.

— F.D