In this Great Guide Entry, field researcher Blue Canary presents a million (or at least four) uses of the indispensable Cardboard Box.
Cardboard Box
Next to a towel, a cardboard box is the second-most useful thing in the universe.
The people of Earth (hyperlink removed due to planet destruction) were the most oblivious, moronic and possibly most obnoxious race in the galaxy (pending clarification from the Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster’s Book of Multiverse Records) but they did recognise the value of the cardboard box.
Boxes were originally presumed by most races to be receptacles for the containment and potential shipping of items. However, on Earth, specifically in Britain (see also: United Kingdom, Great Britain, the 51st State) it was quickly understood that they had a far greater purpose.
The cardboard box can be used as:
- A vehicle
- A fort
- A helmet
- A punishment cell
- A cunning disguise in the event of alien contact;
- Cheap housing for small furry creatures
- And even makeshift electrical items, such as
televisions and radios
(All pictures removed due to concerns that, in the event of a copy of the Guide falling through a wormhole in space and appearing on a previous or future Earth, semi-intelligent beings may be confused to distraction or, worse still, attempt litigation due to copyright infringement.)
It has been suggested that, unfortunately, intelligent Earth beings (see also: mice, dolphins, some humans) never managed to harness the full potential of the cardboard box, which led to their ultimate destruction to make way for something infinitely more useful. Speculation has arisen that if cardboard boxes had identified themselves as interstellar travellers from Sqornshellous Delta and had formed a symbiotic relationship with the planet’s inhabitants, not only would Earth still exist but the interdimensional abilities of boxes could have led to many Earth beings leading much more groovy lives (particularly the mice, less so the dolphins – cardboard boxes lose structural integrity in water and would have posed a possible extinction threat).
Fortunately the cardboard box continues to thrive on its home planet and, due to its magnanimous nature, frequently arrives unbidden on planets across the known universe, often carrying gifts of toys or home goods, and immediately makes itself useful for the greater good of all in its vicinity.
Further reading on cardboard boxes:
- ‘Our Life as Stunt-boxes’ – the stunning true-life account of a family of boxes who appeared in countless cop shows being crashed into by getaway vehicles
- ‘Rip It Up and Start Again’ – a self-help journal for broken boxes
- ‘And They’re All Made Out of Ticky-Tacky’ – the controversial creation story of the cardboard box (banned across the known universe for subversive ideas).
–Blue Canary